Two years...

It's amazing how much can change in two short years. This picture was taken on Halloween in 2006, the year Bear was Woody from Toy Story. He was 3 years old. He was THRILLED at being Woody -- it's a costume that Ken & Sharon bought for him at a Boy Scout auction when he was just tiny and he could finally wear it. Steve was goofing around outside and put the plastic cowboy hat on. I love this picture -- it shows his fun side and charming good looks. He's got that grin that just showed he was having a fun time. He was a handsome man -- he had the most beautiful brown eyes and the best hair. At his viewing, I could have stayed there for days, just stroking his hair.

I've been doing pretty well, all things considered, but today is kicking my ass. Steve loved Halloween. And not just as Bear's dad -- even before we became parents. He loved to see the kids in costume - he just got such a kick out of it.

I just miss his child-like excitement about things like Halloween... He mellowed me out and brought me back to earth and, in his own way, reminded me to enjoy the small things in life. That's why, when Bear wanted to decorate last weekend, I let him. I bet we're the only house on the block with purple spider garland mixed in with their plants! Our house is scary looking, but not quite in the way most people decorate for Halloween :) Aahhh...the decorating vision of a 5 year old.

Calli-Cat

September 14, 1996 - October 24, 2008

Sorry for all of the detail -- this is an entry from my parenting board and I didn't feel like re-typing it for here...

Calli was diagnosed with thyroid cancer about 10 days ago. She hadn't been responding to the medication very well -- should have been a pretty sudden reversal of symptoms but she wasn't eating, wasn't drinking and felt lighter (turns out she'd lost more than a pound since the last vet visit -- and she had gone from about 14 lbs to just under 7 lbs 10 days ago -- to 5.5 today). I brushed her last night, and she was purring but wouldn't let me near her rear end. When I was done, I took a look and she had this NASTY wound to the left of her anus -- I thought she had an anal gland burst but it wasn't part of her anus, just to the left of it. She seemed okay -- but if Steve had been here, and if it hadn't been 11pm with Bear in bed, I would have taken her last night -- but I waited until this morning.

So, we got up and once I found her, I put her in the crate -- wound still looked nasty and she just wasn't herself. (She let me pick her up, which was strange -- she's usually a wild child. Steve didn't call her Psycho Bitch from Hell for nothing My usual vet was closed but they are part of a larger network with a location opened on Sundays so I called there. I explained she'd been dx with hyperthyroidism, wasn't doing well, etc. We made an appt for 12:20. When we got there, I explained her history to the tech. I also explained that I was more worried about her quality of life than the treatments to prolong her life and I wanted to know the whole picture. I also explained that Steve died last year -- not sure why, it just felt like it should be said (turns out to be the right thing). So the vet came in. I absolutely LOVED her. I like the vet I have now -- but we had a phenomenal vet in San Diego and I've missed her SO much.

This one today is as good. She took a look at her wound and when she pulled the scab off, Calli bit me -- not hard, but she took my hand in her mouth and pressed her teeth down. Don't know if she didn't have the strength or she was being nice -- there was a time she would have drawn blood. She pulled the scab off and there was this HUGE -- silver dollar size -- would, just red as can be with blood underneath. It was NOT there a week ago and I'm appalled at how fast it got so big and so nasty. Doc thought that with her being so skinny, and not doing much, it was basically a bad bed sore. We put her down on the floor while we talked and she went and hid behind my chair and didn't move. I talked to the doctor about all of my options. I could have prolonged her life with more medication, subcutaneous fluids under her skin every week, etc. Her thyroid was an issue, but her kidneys were also failing -- they go hand-in-hand. Her eyes were beginning to look sunken, she'd lost more weight, she had the bad breath that comes with kidneys, etc. (With Lil, I called it "death breath" -- it's just so unique).

Anyway -- after much discussion and many tears, I made the hard decision to euthanize her. I asked Bear if he wanted to be there, and he said yes. I quizzed him about WHY he wanted to be there -- he needed to know the seriousness of what was happening. He's had a lot of questions about Steve's death and I decided this would be a good, safe way to show him the peacefulness of death. It was hard -- but I figured not any harder than the last 14 months. I explained this to the vet as well -- what I wanted Bear's experience to be with Calli's death. They came in and gave her a shot to calm her down. We had about 20 minutes to stroke her hair, kiss her nose, talk to her. I explained to Bear some more about what would happen and told him not to be afraid -- it was okay and it would be quick. When the vet came in, she was absolutely incredible with Bear. She explained what would happen, that she had some special medicine that was going to help Calli get to Heaven. She gave her the shot, Calli stopped breathing and the vet put her stethoscope on and said "oh! I think she made it to Heaven!" She gave him the stethoscope and said "here, YOU listen..." She asked if he heard anything, and he said no. She said "that's right, she's already in Heaven with your Daddy..." Bear smiled, I cried, and I could have hugged the vet right there. I can't tell you how perfect she made the situation. They took her away and I'm having her cremated. I told Bear that she would be turned into sand the same way Daddy was -- and she'd come back in a small box too.

It was so hard -- I've had Calli since she was just a few weeks old in 1996 and before I ever met Steve. I keep smiling at the way she'd always take over my glass of milk -- if I left for a minute, she'd "own it" by sticking her paw into it, licking the milk off of her paw and dunking it back in. She absolutely loved bananas and cantaloupe. She'd purr like a freight train. She was a sweet, sweet kitty...

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay -- it's not the end.

I heard that saying this morning and it really hit home.

We're having a good weekend... Yesterday, I didn't even get dressed -- but I got a lot of stuff done around the house (never enough, but -- enough) and Bear had fun playing in the backyard with Yogi, coloring a Spiderman picture (he's getting so good at staying in the lines!), watching Transformers... Greg and his crew came to do the yard -- it looks so good. I just wish that Steve Steve were here to see it. He'd be so pleased.

Late last night, I noticed that Calli has *something* on her rump that looks like another abscess. I'm really concerned she is sick -- beyond the hyperthyroidism (thyroid cancer) that was dx about 10 days ago. I'm prepared to put her to sleep today if needed -- hard, but if necessary, I will. I've had her since she was about a month old -- and she turned 12 in September. But I won't make her live in pain OR with a quality of life that was less than she enjoyed when she was younger. I feel euthanasia is a gift for us pet owners -- hard, but a gift.

I think we're going to take Yogi to the dog park here in a bit... Then Calli has her appt at 12:20pm, then our groceries are being delivered at 2:30. I broke down and did safeway.com -- their prices, on sale, are comparable to Walmart and when I do major shopping (right down to dog food and duraflame logs!) it's just easier to not have to haul it all home. Having it dumped in my living room is good with me! And with the promo codes, I got a free jar of salsa (to go with some chicken in the crockpot this week), a free bag of salad and free delivery. Schweet! We have a tentative playdate with a neighbor boy today too -- wel'l have to figure out how to get that in.

I'm watching Joel Osteen this morning -- there's a commerical on right now. Who knew that there was a Christian satellite dish system? Oh good grief!!! Okay, I digress...

Off to the dog park...

My guys...

The definition of "my guys" has changed a lot in the last 14 months, although there are days that I swear Steve came back as Yogi, stubborn little shit that he is! And, here is Bear's school picture... It's not his real smile - not sure about the lower lip thing - but adorable... I have a feeling I'm going to have to beat the girls off with a stick once he decides they don't all have cooties...

Camping

Flagstaff, Arizona - October, 2008

This past weekend, Bear and I got through another “first” without Steve when we went camping for the first time. Steve and I both grew up in families that camped a lot and while I hadn’t been since 1986, it was something we wanted to do with Bear as he got older. Bear went to preschool with a little boy named Dane and we’ve become friends with Dane’s family so we all went camping together this weekend in Flagstaff, Arizona – about 2 hours north of us. Bob and Melissa have three boys – Dylan (10), Austin (9) and Dane (4). Bear had a wonderful time with all of the boys.

We stayed at a KOA in Flagstaff and had side-by-side Kamping Kabins which were perfect for us. I’d do it again in a heartbeat – and if you want to go camping, but not stay in a tent and you don’t have an RV – a kamping kabin is the way to go. They’re very basic but have a double bed and a set of bunk beds – we just threw our sleeping bags on top. It also had a small table, portable heater, a small porch with a swing… Just perfect…

It was hard without Steve. He would have LOVED being up there – it’s a beautiful location in Flagstaff, at the bottom of a big mountain, clear skies… I felt him around – I know he was with us. And I didn’t burn the forest down with my little red propane stove so all was right with the world It felt good getting out of Phoenix for a day too—it was about 20 degrees cooler which was a nice change. On Saturday night, we made a big campfire, roasted hot dogs and made s’mores and filled the kids up with hot cocoa before putting them to bed. After that, the three grownups sat around and drank our cocoa with butterscotch schnapps. Paul introduced me to cocoa with butter shots probably 13 years ago and it’s been a favorite ever since. Bob & Melissa hadn’t had it before, but I definitely converted them on this trip! We’re looking forward to our next camping adventure – we really did have a good time. We didn’t bring Yogi on this trip, but he’ll go with us next time.

We stopped at a pumpkin patch on the way out of town -- the name of the place just called to us :)

Dirty fingernails = good campin'!

Glyde, skinny jeans, 170 lbs bumblebees and scrapbooks...

These are a few of my favorite things...

Glyde... I'm with Verizon and every 2 years you get a new phone. Apparently, I've been living in a cave because I was due for a new phone in..............July! So, I looked online, did some research and picked the Samsung Glyde. Touch screen and everything! I'm very jazzed to have something new (and free!)

Skinny jeans... Well, I wish this part of the blog post was for me -- but it's for my no-butt all legs kid. He has NO butt to speak of. 8 weeks away from his 6th birthday, he's tipping the scales at 42.8 lbs and 5T jeans fall off. He usually wears the slim Levi's but they're $30 a pair (OUCH). I finally called Walmart and asked if they had any slim jeans -- I got tired of trying to find them in a department that never has anyone available. Alas, they did! I picked them up last night and tried them on Bear tonight and they fit -- and they fit well!!! They're Rustlers (by Wrangler) and I just ordered another 3 pairs online. $7.88 people - color me happy!

170 lbs... Again, I wish this part was about me. It is, sort of. I can't wait til it's my weight -- but for now, I'll have to be happy that I had 170 lbs between my legs today. Nope, he doesn't have a name. (Sorry - couldn't resist - and you wouldn't expect anything less from me!) Erin, my trainer at the gym, had me do 170 lbs in an inner leg press contraption machine tonight. I'll be in traction tomorrow but was pretty damn happy today. I was down 42 lbs, gained about 10 back over the last 3 months of being sick, but I want it OFF. I want to lose another 40 lbs before New Year's.

Bumble bees... Bear's going to be Bumblebee the Transformer for Halloween. And Yogi......................well, stay tuned -- I'll post pictures :) (Evil laugh...)

And yes -- I saw "Hall and Oates" on the SNL special tonight - what a hoot...

Overall, I'm in a better place than I have been. A good friend emailed me that she'd read my blog posts and was concerned about how sad I've been. I'm doing better -- being sick with pneumonia for nearly 3 months doesn't help but I'm finally on the mend (amazing what 5 rounds of antibiotics will do - good grief).

We're going camping for the first time next weekend with some friends -- going up Saturday morning, back on Sunday, with some friends of ours from Bear's old preschool. Then we have Halloween....then going to my Mom's for Thanksgiving. Bear's 6th birthday will be celebrated on Dec 6th and the following weekend, I'm surprising him with a trip to the Polar Express. It's a train ride near Flagstaff where they replicate the movie story -- he's going to FLIP. Then we have Christmas (which, I'm really dreading -- last year we were at Mom's so this will be our first, here, without Steve). BUT, I've made it 14 months -- I can make it a few more. Then it'll be a new year... I have good feelings for 2009 -- Bear and I've both come such a long way, it's time for good things. Thanks to everyone for their love and prayers -- we're getting there :)

Something that's also helped lately is scrapbooking. I really, really enjoy "real" scrapbooking -- papers and textures and brads and scissors. But I just have no time anymore so I've gotten into digital scrapping and I'm loving it. Here are a few I've worked on...

Time goes so quickly...

Earlier, I was thinking of this whole financial mess that the country is in and thought “I can’t wait to see Steve; he isn’t going to believe it.”

Today marks 14 months since I lost my husband, my best friend, Bear’s dad, my partner in crime… And he’s still the first one I want to talk to when there’s something to share.

Some days, like today, there just are no words to describe how much I miss him.

We’ve been watching the Star Wars trilogy and finished up with Return of the Jedi over the weekend. He’s also been watching Transformers. (I may not load him down with guns and ammo, but at least he’ll know how to turn himself into a fast car or knock someone out with a light saber should he ever need to use the force!)

So, this morning, we’re on our way out to school and I can hear Darth Vader breathing heavy from his backpack (he has a small talking toy). I said Bear, you know the rule – no toys from home. He got that “uh oh” look on his face and said “Mama, I don’t have a toy!” He wiggled just enough when he said that to set the damn thing off again… I said “Bear, no toys – put it back, please.”

He got the most serious look on his face and said “mama, I’m just a “decepticon of evil…” (Something the bad (evil) transformers say in the movie because they do bad things… I assured him he wasn’t a decepticon of evil and made him leave Darth Vader at home. That kid just cracks me up sometimes!!!

Voices

Bear's friend from pre-school called him yesterday and left a voicemail message that I listened to last night after Bear was in bed. Thomas was born in China and had a cleft pallette that affected his speech. He's come so far with speech therapy, but I still have a tough time understanding him. I told Bear about the phone call this morning and he said he'd be able to understand it -- so I walked over to the answering machine to play it for him. Thomas is message #24. I have several old messages saved on there from Steve -- just hearing his voice takes me back to a time that was so much simplier and happier. I thought Bear might enjoy hearing them too so I played one and said, with a smile, "do you know who that is??!" Bear said no. I played another. Again, no. I played 4 messages in a row -- and Bear didn't recognize his voice. It just breaks my heart. I've always been afraid of him forgetting Steve but his recollection of memories over the last 13 1/2 months have comforted my fears. But I never thought about Steve's voice and that Bear's recollection of that, over time, would fade.

This and that...

I picked Bear up from school yesterday. It’s the first time that I’ve done that since he started kindergarten in mid-August. He always goes to the PM program and I pick him up from there, about 3 hours after school is out. But I wasn’t feeling well so I left work early and picked him up on my way home.

I felt so out of place. The other parents who were there picking their kids up had relationships with each other – they knew each other from the other days that they pick up their kids and I felt like such an outsider. I didn’t even know if I was in the right place or where to stand and wait. I felt very much “less than” in the Mom department. I looked around at the other parents and wondered what they did, profession-wise, that allowed them to be off at 2pm on a weekday. Even the guy on the Harley, with a thick blond pony-tail down his back – he was there to pick up his child.

When Steve was alive, we both chose to work. I find myself wondering if I’d feel differently about Bear and school and picking him up if Steve were alive. Perhaps I want what I can’t have because now I can’t have it. A lot of parents go back to work when their kids start school.

For the first time since Bear started school, I felt like I was missing something. I know the PM program is fine – it’s a well-used program and it’s safe and they keep him busy after school – but God how I wish I didn’t have to use it. I wish I could pick Bear up every day. The look on his face when he saw me was priceless – he was SO excited this HIS Mom was there to pick HIM up. He asked if I could pick him up today too and I had to sadly tell him no, that I needed to work, but that we’d do something fun after I picked him up. Last night, I was ready to chuck it all and move into a double-wide just to be able to pick him up from school more often. But I know that isn’t the answer and it’s not what Steve and I wanted – for us or for Bear. I know it’s temporary but man, it was tough yesterday.

Some days I wonder if I shouldn’t just pack up and move to Oregon, take over my Dad’s t-shirt business and live a simpler life. But it wouldn’t be simple. Self-employment is tough and there are no guarantees of income or success. I’d have to get our own health insurance policy which would be astronomical. And the real estate market absolutely sucks – I wouldn’t make much on the house and that’s not good in the long term.

I know I just need to sit tight and know that this is a phase but it’s hard. I don’t know where my life is going. I’ve always had a plan – and I don’t have one. I’m sick again and had to have blood drawn on Monday. The phlebotomist, I learned, was also a widow of 14 years. It was sudden, as well – her husband was in the military – and she had a 12 year old daughter who is 26 now. I asked if she ever remarried and she said no. She looked sad when she said it. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I’m not ready to date and I don’t want to rush into anything anytime soon. But some day – I’d like to fall in love again. I’d like to be in a relationship again. I’d like Bear to grow up in a family of three. I don’t if that’ll ever happen. For nearly 10 years, all of my plans included Steve. They never included widowhood. The other night, after I put Bear to bed, I was overcome with just how much I missed Steve. I ended up on my knees in the hallway, hugging his urn while I cried. It’s the closest I can physically get to what is left of him. God, I miss that man. So much.

Everyone talks about the first year being the hardest. And it is hard. For months, I could barely make it through a Tuesday without reliving each and every minute of the day. And the 7th of each month made me cringe. Each milestone without him – birthdays, holidays, things Bear did for the first time – all hard. But the second year brings its own heartache and reality. He is never coming home. I will never joke with him again. I will never go to bed with him or wake up with him next to me. I’ll never wait up for him to safely make it home from work, waiting to hear the garage door opener followed by his keys in the door. He’ll never play with Bear again or joke with him again. I think the second year is harder than the first.

BUT -- with all of this sadness and heartache, I know that I will be happy again. Some day. Bear and I ended up having a good day yesterday – I wasn’t feeling well but we played a game, played Connect-4, put a puzzle together… I’m trying to make sure we have good, quality 1:1 time. He’s my rock – all 42 lbs of him! I asked him recently what he’d think if I had a boyfriend some day. He said he’d be okay with it – but no Grandpas. They need to be able to wrestle! God, I love that kid!

It'll be okay... Just having a moment.

Yogi, the guard dog...

Yogi will be a great attack dog -- if a plastic bowl ever tries to break in... Good grief! (Note to self - need to buy metal dishes!)

Or, if a pink ball comes in -- we're covered!

Cat puke, puzzles and smiley face pancakes...

Cat puke and puzzles -- pretty much sums up my Sunday morning so far.

Nothing quite like rolling over at 2am into a pile of freshly barfed cat puke. On my pillow. On my sheets. Lovely. I think it's happened 3 times in the last 20 years of being owned by cats -- and last night, Eliot decided to upchuck his freshly chewed dry cat food -- which wasn't dry anymore -- on my pillow. I'd taken a few Tylenol PM's before bed so I didn't even hear him -- just rolled over, into it, and woke up wondering what in the hell was wet all over my bed.

Lovely.

On to better things -- Bear did a 100 piece puzzle, fresh out of the box today, pretty much on his own! He wanted my help, so I sat with him and pretended to help -- but he did the whole thing on his own. He LOVES puzzles...

He also likes pancakes and was pretty excited to see a smiley face greeting him this morning :)

Another exciting Friday night...

Well, I'm sick. Again. Everyone at work is sick, I'm on prednisone which wipes out your immune system so -- here we are again. After the entire month of August and pneumonia, I'm praying I'm not going backwards. I stayed home today, slept from 10am - 2:30pm and am feeling better. So, let's hope!

For the last 10-15 minutes, I've heard Calli meowing. Couldn't find her. Her brother finally came looking for her, which is when I knew something is up -- with Yogi downstairs, he doesn't usually venture downstairs. Found her in the DRYER! Bear went looking for pajama bottoms after his bath, pulled some clothes out and I came behind him, shoved them back in and shut the door. Oops.

Bear had a bloody nose tonight too -- he's had a few through the years but this one went for about 30 minutes. Put him in the tub and he seems to be better now.

He got a special write-up from music class today for being extra good - yeah!!! He's been such a PILL this week, it was nice to get a good note. He's been fine at school, but with me -- he's pushing the limits big-time. So, I took him to McDonalds to play, we had dinner there and he got a sundae to bring home. He's one happy kid tonight -- doesn't get McD's very often anymore (although right after Steve died, I probably knew everyone there on a first-name basis).

We have a play date tomorrow with his friend Ethan -- they went to preschool together and were the best of buddies. His friend Thomas is probably coming too so it'll be fun. The moms, Julia and Kathy, are also very nice so it'll be a nice break.

I really miss Steve tonight... Weekends are tough - that was our family time. I was in the middle of cleaning up Bear's bloody nose mess, putting him in the tub, throwing in some laundry - when I walked by the hall and our family photo from 2004. It just made me stop. And think. And remember. And miss. I think the first year is the hardest because of all of the first's. But the second year is hard because that's when reality hits. He's never coming back. And that's really hard to deal with. I'm nowhere near ready to date but I do hope that I can meet someone, some day. But meeting someone as wonderful as Steve is going to be tough. He was one of a kind.

You Are My Sunshine...

Steve wore a lot of yellow t-shirts. It wasn't that he particularly liked yellow but, being a big guy, yellow was usually the only color left :)

He wore a t-shirt and jeans to work every day. And when he'd wear his yellow t-shirt, the guys would serenade him with a rousing rendition of "You Are My Sunshine." He used to chuckle about it. Steve died on a Tuesday and on Friday of that same week, his co-workers all wore yellow t-shirts in his honor and sang the song one last time...

Last week, I was cleaning out some old emails and found an address for his old co-worker, Brent. He really thought a lot of Brent -- he was his first friend at Triumph. Well, Brent wrote me last night that they all wore their yellow t-shirts on August 7th, Steve's anniversary. It touched me that they remembered -- and I know Steve was chuckling. It really made my day that my he wasn't forgotten that day.

You Are My Sunshine...My Only Sunshine...

Camping!

Thinking back, I haven't been camping since the summer of 1986. A few weeks after my high school graduation, a bunch of us took off for Manteca for a few days. We were involved in a nasty 5-car accident on our way home and I haven't been camping since.

Steve and I both grew up in camping families. My family had a van -- Mom and Dad bought it in the mid 70's, I think, and it was completely stripped - nothing inside. I remember sitting in the back during their test-drive -- I was probably about 7 -- and rolling around everytime someone hit the brakes. (Man, times have changed with boosters and car seats!) Mom completely transformed it to sleep 3 -- we had a sink, a fridge, a bathroom, beds. It was amazing. She still has it, actually -- when I go up in Thanksgiving, we're going to take a look at it and if we think we can fix it up, I may take it so Bear and I can use it for camping and such. It's been parked for 6 years so it may need some TLC, but it's been inside her building the whole time. It has a new engine with only 65k miles on it -- so, we'll see. I've also been looking at pop-up trailers -- one way or another, camping is in our future.

Which brings me back to -- camping! KOA has "Kamping Kabins" now -- small 1 or 2 bedroom cabins that have a place to sleep, heat, and that's about it. We're heading up to Flagstaff to check them out in mid-October with our friends, Bob & Melissa and their three kids. Their youngest, Dane, went to preschool with Bear and they have two older sons, Dillon and Austin. They watched Bear for me over Labor Day weekend and the boys just loved spending time together -- Dane is 4, almost 5 and the two older boys are a little older than Bear so it's a great group. We are both staying in Kabins and are already excited about the camp fire -- Bear's going to love s'mores :) It's a quickie -- we'll go up on Saturday morning and leave on Sunday but it's going to be fun. I decided to leave Yogi home this time around until I know more of what to expect but I think we'll do it again and I'll bring him then. This particular weekend has hay rides and a pumpkin patch too so the kids will like that.

My excitement is mixed with sadness because it's another of many "firsts" that Steve is missing - we talked a lot about "someday" when we'd go camping. But I know we'll have fun -- and Steve won't be far away... And Bear is going to have a BALL!!!

Finally, some birthday pictures...

We had about 15 people and it was so GOOD to feel the house alive again... Steve would have loved the "buzz"... Unfortunately, I didn't get pictures of everyone but here are a few... Most people were from out of town -- Laurie flew in on Friday night, Bill & Teresa drove in on Friday. Becky & Mike drove in from San Diego. Kelly flew in from Santa Maria. Lisa flew in from Wisconsin. Sharon flew in from Sacramento. Sandra and her husband Jeff, Janice, Marsha and Angela were locals...

Many of you know that I run an online parenting board for adoptive parents -- here are two of my members -- Angela on the left (she was also our realtor when we moved here!) and Lisa on the right (she flew out here from Wisconsin just for the party!). On the far right, is my good friend Sandra -- we used to work together in San Diego and she and her family moved to Phoenix about 3 months after we did in 2005.


If you went away hungry, it was your own damn fault! Enchiladas and fajitas with everything else thrown in for good measure... YUM.


Wouldn't have been the same without Yogi's houseguests for the weekend -- Mack, Emma and ChaCha! My friends, Bill & Teresa, drove in from San Jose with their three Westie kids :) The four dogs had the BEST time!

My good friends Janice and Marsha - we used to work together at Banner Health, my first job when I moved here.

Complete with my birthday tiara :)

Bill, Teresa on the left and my good friend Kelly on the right (flew in from Santa Maria)

Ready for eatin' -- the beautiful roses are from Mike & Becky (they were SO pretty!!!)

Lisa blowing up the cactus :)

The dog and the kid...

I'm not sure who is going to drive me nuts first -- Bear or Yogi.

This morning, it's about even!

Yesterday, Bear, with Yogi's help of course (they're thick as thieves!) decided to "help me" by moving a large bag of gardening soil that's been sitting in the backyard for quite some time. It was just fine where it was. Didn't need to be moved. Apparently, they thought differently.

Yogi came running to the door, excited as can be, with his tongue hanging out. It was BLACK.

I went outside, came around the corner on my winding walkway that goes back to his kennel and the RV pad where Steve's truck is now parked -- and there is potting soil E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E. And I have Jesse Red rock everywhere - not like I can just sweep it into the existing dirt. I have none! It's all covered by rock.

So, this morning, we went outside...to play with the bubbles that Janice gave Bear yesterday (FUN by the way!! - see pics below!) and then I decided to hose off the patio. I hosed the dog down (something hangin' off his butt - figured I'd just hose it off of him) and I hosed the kid down a few times.

Then I remembered the mess from last night. CRAP! Where's Yogi? WET Yogi???

Yup... My adorable puppy (it's good he's cute!) decided to roll and play and eat MORE dirt. He was FILTHY. I would have gotten a picture but I was too amped out at the moment! At one point, all I could do was laugh -- and Bear started laughing and Yogi was trying to help, even as I cleaned up the dirt. (At least half of the large bag was strewn all over the place -- and even as I was picking up (what was left of) the bag -- Yogi decided to jump on TOP! So, I had to put it back down, get the dog off, and then hoist if up again, dirt falling out as I'm taking it to the trash can. I ended up hosing Yogi off completely and he's outside drying. I also hosed Bear down and he came in, stripped nekked and is upstairs getting clean (DRY!) undies... And it's only 9:23 am!

OY!

Here are some pictures of our bubble fun yesterday... The photo at the top is after both of their baths this morning after the dirt fiasco :)

I swear, I could hear Steve laughing -- LOUDLY -- this morning :)

Bear and the hat...

Bear's been a real challenge the last few days -- I think he's having a growth spurt and has been unusually tired and eating me out of house & home -- again, classic growth stuff.

But the whiney tone and attitude is driving me nuts. Everything seems to be a battle.

It's spirit week at school... Yesterday, they wore slippers. Today, they get to wear sunglasses. Tomorrow, it's hats. He wanted to wear the special hat that I got as a gift for my 40th birthday last weekend -- he doesn't know what it says and has worn it around the house a few times -- I'd never let him wear it out! He just likes the strap and the pom pom on top - LOL.

So, I told him no.

He said Yes!!

I said NO!!!

We finally agreed that he could wear one of Daddy's special baseball hats and he was excited...

For giggles -- here's the birthday hat I want to get a picture of him in it so that when he's a father some day, I can pull the picture out when HE is having a battle with HIS kid over something similar!

















Yeah, it wouldn't have gone over too well with the kindergarten teacher :)

13 months...

Today marks 13 months since Steve died... I found this poem and want to post it here so I don't forget it.

REMEMBRANCE
You can shed tears that he is gone,
or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you cant see him,
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he's gone,
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he'd want,
Smile more, Love more, Laugh more and Go On.


I love you, babe.

Saturday mornings...

Our routine on Saturdays sure has changed... Before Steve died, it was their time to get up early, let Mom sleep, go out and hit the neighborhood for garage sales.... They'd surprise me about 10am or so with an almond latte from Starbucks. Those were GOOD days. These days are good too -- but it's taken us a year to get there. This morning, I woke up on my own at 6am -- I haven't slept past 7am since Steve died. Bear actually slept until 7am -- a rarity, for sure. It's 9:10 am and Yogi is outside, Bear is watching Transformers and I've already vacuumed and dusted the living room and mopped the entry. Steve would be proud (albeit shocked!)

I bought myself a Palm yesterday -- I'm tired of lugging my big ol' Daytimer around so for $99 I bought a Palm Z22 to organize my calendar, my contacts, etc. I LOVE IT! Already, I have a grocery list going in the memo section -- you just write on the screen and my writing shows up. I'm also updating my contacts and such on the computer -- easier to type -- then I sync the two together and voila! It's all in there. Life is just too crazy these days with trying to keep everything straight -- $99 was a good investment for sanity.

Sandra and I are going to see Hall and Oates tonight. I am EXCITED. I haven't been to see my beloved H2O since before Bear was born and y'all know how much I love my Hall & Oates! I plan on singing every word to every song -- Sandra doesn't know what she's getting into :) Those of you have been to a H2O concert with me -- pray for her!

Tara's coming to babysit Bear tonight - she hasn't been here since June so he'll be excited. They'll order pizza, probably watch Transformers again and have a great time.

Gotta get back to laundry.... Private Eyes.... Maneater.... Can't Go For That (No Can Do!) Man, I can't wait :)

Missing Steve...

I sure miss Steve tonight. I miss him every day, but sometimes it's more prounounced and emotional like tonight. I watched McCain give his speech and I find myself wondering what Steve would think of all of this. He was so insightful when it came to things like this -- he'd sit back and not say much, but when he did, it was well thought out and introspective.

Bear's been a handful the last few days too and I really miss having Steve here to help. He's pushing my limits to the max lately -- I understand he's had a lot of change with starting a new school, making new friends, being gone last weekend. Part of the problem is me -- I just have no patience lately. I want him to fit inside this little box and do exactly what I say and well, he's 5 -- that isn't going to happen. I'm tired of asking him a question, only to be ignored -- I have to ask 2-3 times before he responds. Then I start yelling and before long, we're at each other. I feel ridiculous and like I'm a horrible mother. I haven't felt good in six weeks and going back to work, even part time, has been hard. I'm not sure how it's going to be next week, full time. The fatigue from the pneumonia has really been tough and I've been taking a 2-3 hour nap every day.

Anyway -- just whining. And missing my husband. I miss his security and just knowing he's here. The house was so alive this weekend and now it's so quiet. I miss the buzz... I think it made me realize just how lonely I am...

40 plus a day

Well, I turned 40 yesterday. I wasn't as emotionally distraught as I thought I'd be, thank goodness. All my life, the elusive "40" loomed in the future and it was the magical number that would indicate I was officially old. Well, I'm not old! I'm 40 and I've got at least another 40 years left in me. Maybe it's the halfway mark. But my life certainly isn't over. That's a bold statement after the year I've had -- I thought life ended last year but, alas, I'm still kickin'.

I'm sitting on my bed, typing on my laptop while Bear learns how to properly open and close his bedroom door. He's being a handfull tonight so I sent him to his room where he SLAMMED his door. Well, that doesn't happen here and the punishment is opening and closing his door, over and over, until I decide when he can finish. He's mad and angry at me right now -- and beyond exhausted. Right now, he's just whiney and I told him I'm not going back downstairs to make dinner until he stops whining.

I'm not cut out for the single parent stuff. Some days, I feel so inadequate -- like it's a damn miracle that either one of us can get out of the house with clean clothes on. Sometimes I feel like Steve would have been so much better at being a single dad than I am at being a single mom.

Health-wise, I'm feeling better. The valley fever test came back negative, thank God. But it's apparently a really resistant strain of pneumonia that, quite frankly, has kicked my ass -- good -- for the six weeks.

My birthday party over the weekend was a lot of fun -- lots of food, lots of margaritas, lots of 80's music and most importantly -- a lot of good time spent with friends. This house was alive -- ALIVE -- and it was such a nice change from the rather benal existence that has become my life over the past year.

Uh oh.... Bear's crying to his teddy bears "Mommy doesn't like me..." This guilt stuff starts THIS early???? Sigh. Gotta go.

Tired of being sick!

I came down with a "normal head cold" on July 16th -- 2 days after returning from San Diego. It evolved into bronchitis/pneumonia and after two full rounds of strong antibiotics, it hadn't budged. Finally, they sent me to a pulmonologist and he did a CT scan last Monday and threw me in the hospital on Tuesday for a bronchoscopy. The bronch showed a small amount of pneumonia but he also suspected I have valley fever (fungal infection in the lungs) so he took me off all antibiotics, etc until the VF culture came back. Well, by Thursday, I was relapsing - fever, chills, etc and I just felt horrible. Went back to see him and he pulled the CT scan results and sure enough -- there was more pneumonia that the CT showed that the bronch didn't and it was apparently taking over again. He put me on a third antibiotic, this time coupled with steroids and ladies & gents, I think I may live. For the first time in weeks, I woke up this morning still feeling cruddy -- but I actually have a small amount of energy and I feel more "alert" then I have. I've been off work for the most part of 3 weeks -- it's time to get healthy! I think I'm getting there...

On the plus side, Bear is adapting to kindergarten quite well. I'm loving his teacher -- she'a a great communicator, sending notes home each day and she responds quickly to email. He's growing up too quick!

Big day around the Turner house...

We have a Kindergartener! Yes, it's true -- he survived, so did Mom. He had a FaBuLoUs time and he loves his teacher, his new friends, his classroom, eating lunch in the cafeteria and he wants the same exact lunch as tomorrow (packed him a PB&J on wheat, string cheese, apples, Capri Sun and some carrots -- posting so I don't forget the winning combo!). It was emotional -- so hard without Steve -- but I know he was there... Bear had such a confidence about him -- I'm so proud of our little bear!

Best Laid Plans...

Tammy Lynn Michaels, who is Melissa Etheridge's partner, keeps an online blog that I've read, on and off, for quite some time now. Earlier today, I popped over there and came across a great quote:

the best laid plans
i see are meant to teach us to float
when we want to swim
to let go when we want to grab hold
to breathe when i really wanna hold my breath forever

Then, my trainer gave me a book that she recommended. I was curious about the ending so I flipped to the last page. The last line of the book is "There are no endings...only chances to begin again."

The first anniversary of Steve's death was last Thursday and while August 7th will always hold special memories and reflections, I'm going to keep these two quotes in mind as I forge ahead... I just really liked them and wanted to share :-)

Love & blessings,
Karen

Bedroom makeover

Since Steve died last year, our bedroom has been one of the toughest places for me to be. I'd lay in bed at night and think about him, cry, couldn't sleep, etc. So, as the anniversary of his death approached (it'll be a year this Thursday) I decided I needed a space in our home that was just mine and decided it'd be the bedroom. There are reminders of Steve all over the house - and that's how I want it - but I need my bedroom to be a Steve-free zone - LOL. I'll still have pictures, but the whole room shouldn't scream "Steve" if I'm going to come out of this ordeal relatively sane.


The entire 9 1/2 years we were together, we used the furniture that Steve had from his single days. It was a decent pier unit but just looked like "early garage sale." It was functional but we both hated it. And our mattress was the first thing we bought together in 1998 -- 10 years old, it was lumpy and uncomfortable. I also hate firm beds -- but he had a bad back -- so we went with firm.


I've been shopping and looking for several months now and about a month ago, came across a killer deal at JCPenneys. I got a Spring Air Four Seasons euro top king sized mattress and we have a local furniture place here where I found a bedroom set I fell in love with. I really shopped the sales and got a great deal. I found some betting I loved at overstock.com and picked up some new pillows at Walmart. The furniture and mattress got delivered yesterday -- I wanted everything here by the anniversary. I'm sick with bronchitis and pneumonia, and it took me all day but I finally got the room some-what pulled together last night. I still have some art prints to put up, need to buy some side lamps, put up the sage green panels I bought over the windows and more decorating/painting to do but it's where I can live with it for awhile. I have a sliding glass door up there too, that goes to a balcony, and I bought sage green panels with cream sheers -- it'll look great.


I absolutely love it. It's so high, I actually have to use Bear's little step stool from his bathroom to get in! I haven't slept as good as I slept last night in a year. Definitely the right thing to do. I love roses so this is just so me -- Steve gave me free reign on everything, but he would have had something to say about the rose bedding - LOL.

August 1

With the one year anniversary of Steve's death less than a week away, I thought it was time to create a blog that focused on the next chapter.

Karen and Bear - Part Deux... Bring it on :)

So.........let the journey continue :)