14 years

Thursday, April 30, 1998. 

I was dared to put a personal ad in the San Diego Reader back in April of 1998, and it was in the April 30th issue.  It started "Anti Barbie looking for Anti-Ken."  It was a joke, pure and simple.  But I received calls.  Several of them.  But one stood out -- a guy named Steve, who left me a voicemail that was funny and witty.  I decided to call that one back -- just him -- to thank him for spending $2.99 a minute to reply but afterall, it was just a joke.

We hung up three hours later. And we talked three hours on Friday and another three hours on Saturday.  I was about to go out of town for 10 days.  He wanted to meet before I left.  I wanted to meet him too but was afraid I wouldn't get packed and out of town on time.  "You have to eat -- let me take you to dinner before you leave."  I agreed.  I knew myself well enough that it wasn't going to be beneficial to leave town for 10 days, wondering about this guy.  Better to realize he's a jerk before my trip than to wonder for 10 days and then find out. 

So, on Sunday, May 3rd -- I remember sitting in my car, in the rear of the parking lot, waiting for him to show up.  A burgundy colored Thunderbird drove up.  Parked.  Got out.  Oh.  He's cute.  I turned off the car engine and waited a bit more.  He walked to the front of the restaurant and looked around like you could tell he was a bit awkward and uncomfortable.  He looked like I felt -- but I had the safety of my car.  And I could still drive away.  I thought 'what the hell' and got out of my car and walked towards the restaurant.  He instantly knew it was me and smiled.  I smiled.  Damn, he smelled gooooooooooooooooood. 

We were at the restaurant for three hours and could have gone three days.  The conversation never stalled -- he was funny and interesting, cute has hell and just very engaging.  During dinner, we'd talked about authors we liked -- I mentioned Sue Grafton and Stephen King.   He had several hundred audio books and had a variety of tastes.  When we were done, we walked back towards my car -- and stopped at his first.  Knowing I was on my way out of town on a long road trip, he'd thrown in two audio books for my trip.  Sue Grafton.  Stephen King.  What in the heck were the odds of that?  He also gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers -- he'd left them in the car because he thought it would be too much to bring them into the restaurant.  (Yeah, that'd have been really awkward - thank God he kept them in the car!) 

I drove away that night smiling.  Ear to ear.  I knew in my heart I'd just met the most amazing man.  I came into my calligraphy studio the next morning to pick up a few things before I left town and found a message waiting for me on my voicemail.  It was Steve.  He'd called the night before, after dinner, and just wanted me to know how much he enjoyed meeting me and that he couldn't wait to see me again.  I was hooked. 

Our journey together continued as boyfriend and girlfriend, then marriage, then parenthood.  The 9 1/2 years we were together were the best years of my life.  He was my everything -- my husband, my lover, my best friend, the father of my son, my confidante, my supporter.....quite simply, my everything. 

When he died on August 7, 2007, part of me died with him.  We clicked from day one.  We were so truly blessed to have met each other.  He brought so much to my life and I know I brought a lot to his.  He was loving, generous, kind, spirited, funny, humble. 

I still celebrate the anniversaries of when we met, moved in together, married.  I still celebrate his birthday.  I put memorial ornaments on our Christmas tree and I tell everyone I can about him.  He was the most amazing man... 

Sometimes I think about dating again but I'm simply not there yet.  I watch other widows date and move towards embracing a new life and while some seem to make good choices, others seem to jump at the first possibility to cross their path.  With some, it makes me sad -- there's such a sense of desparation in their actions that it just makes me want more for them. 

I have met some amazing people on this widowed journey, which has been an unexpected blessing.  Most are people that I hope in my life are a long time.  Others came into my life when I needed it, and I came into their lives when they needed it, and it's obvious that it's time to move on.  Some, I've just needed to walk away from.  When you're only good enough to be in their lives in between various men, and you realize you're just a placeholder until the next one comes along, it's simply time to walk away.  I'm admittedly still licking my wounds a bit on one in particular that has hurt quite deep and left me feeling very disappointed but at the end of the day, it is what it is.  I refuse to be a placeholder.  It's been a hard realization that that's about all I've been for the last several years. 

I think Steve would be proud of how we've handled the last nearly 57 months.  I know I've missed him like crazy and so wish he was here to celebrate our 14th anniversary of the day that changed the course of our lives. 

I love you sweetheart.  Yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever.