Thursday, April 30, 1998.
I was dared to put a personal ad in the San Diego Reader back in April of 1998, and it was in the April 30th issue. It started "Anti Barbie looking for Anti-Ken." It was a joke, pure and simple. But I received calls. Several of them. But one stood out -- a guy named Steve, who left me a voicemail that was funny and witty. I decided to call that one back -- just him -- to thank him for spending $2.99 a minute to reply but afterall, it was just a joke.
We hung up three hours later. And we talked three hours on Friday and another three hours on Saturday. I was about to go out of town for 10 days. He wanted to meet before I left. I wanted to meet him too but was afraid I wouldn't get packed and out of town on time. "You have to eat -- let me take you to dinner before you leave." I agreed. I knew myself well enough that it wasn't going to be beneficial to leave town for 10 days, wondering about this guy. Better to realize he's a jerk before my trip than to wonder for 10 days and then find out.
So, on Sunday, May 3rd -- I remember sitting in my car, in the rear of the parking lot, waiting for him to show up. A burgundy colored Thunderbird drove up. Parked. Got out. Oh. He's cute. I turned off the car engine and waited a bit more. He walked to the front of the restaurant and looked around like you could tell he was a bit awkward and uncomfortable. He looked like I felt -- but I had the safety of my car. And I could still drive away. I thought 'what the hell' and got out of my car and walked towards the restaurant. He instantly knew it was me and smiled. I smiled. Damn, he smelled gooooooooooooooooood.
We were at the restaurant for three hours and could have gone three days. The conversation never stalled -- he was funny and interesting, cute has hell and just very engaging. During dinner, we'd talked about authors we liked -- I mentioned Sue Grafton and Stephen King. He had several hundred audio books and had a variety of tastes. When we were done, we walked back towards my car -- and stopped at his first. Knowing I was on my way out of town on a long road trip, he'd thrown in two audio books for my trip. Sue Grafton. Stephen King. What in the heck were the odds of that? He also gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers -- he'd left them in the car because he thought it would be too much to bring them into the restaurant. (Yeah, that'd have been really awkward - thank God he kept them in the car!)
I drove away that night smiling. Ear to ear. I knew in my heart I'd just met the most amazing man. I came into my calligraphy studio the next morning to pick up a few things before I left town and found a message waiting for me on my voicemail. It was Steve. He'd called the night before, after dinner, and just wanted me to know how much he enjoyed meeting me and that he couldn't wait to see me again. I was hooked.
Our journey together continued as boyfriend and girlfriend, then marriage, then parenthood. The 9 1/2 years we were together were the best years of my life. He was my everything -- my husband, my lover, my best friend, the father of my son, my confidante, my supporter.....quite simply, my everything.
When he died on August 7, 2007, part of me died with him. We clicked from day one. We were so truly blessed to have met each other. He brought so much to my life and I know I brought a lot to his. He was loving, generous, kind, spirited, funny, humble.
I still celebrate the anniversaries of when we met, moved in together, married. I still celebrate his birthday. I put memorial ornaments on our Christmas tree and I tell everyone I can about him. He was the most amazing man...
Sometimes I think about dating again but I'm simply not there yet. I watch other widows date and move towards embracing a new life and while some seem to make good choices, others seem to jump at the first possibility to cross their path. With some, it makes me sad -- there's such a sense of desparation in their actions that it just makes me want more for them.
I have met some amazing people on this widowed journey, which has been an unexpected blessing. Most are people that I hope in my life are a long time. Others came into my life when I needed it, and I came into their lives when they needed it, and it's obvious that it's time to move on. Some, I've just needed to walk away from. When you're only good enough to be in their lives in between various men, and you realize you're just a placeholder until the next one comes along, it's simply time to walk away. I'm admittedly still licking my wounds a bit on one in particular that has hurt quite deep and left me feeling very disappointed but at the end of the day, it is what it is. I refuse to be a placeholder. It's been a hard realization that that's about all I've been for the last several years.
I think Steve would be proud of how we've handled the last nearly 57 months. I know I've missed him like crazy and so wish he was here to celebrate our 14th anniversary of the day that changed the course of our lives.
I love you sweetheart. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls
I didn't want to lose this list so I'm posting it here. Flippin' brilliant -- from a blog found at kateelizabethconner.com.
Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls
1. If you choose to wear shirts that show off your boobs, you will attract boys. To be more specific, you will attract the kind of boys that like to look down girls’ shirts. If you want to date a guy who likes to look at other girls’ boobs and chase skirts, then great job; keep it up. If you don’t want to date a guy who ogles at the breasts of other women, then maybe you should stop offering your own breasts up for the ogling. All attention is not equal. You think you want attention, but you don’t. You want respect. All attention is not equal.
2. Don’t go to the tanning bed. You’ll thank me when you go to your high school reunion and you look like you’ve been airbrushed and then photoshopped compared to the tanning bed train wrecks formerly known as classmates – well, at least next to the ones that haven’t died from skin cancer.
3. When you talk about your friends “anonymously” on Facebook, we know exactly who you’re talking about. People are smarter than you think they are. Stop posting passive-aggressive statuses about the myriad of ways your friends disappoint you.
4. Newsflash: the number of times you say “I hate drama” is a pretty good indicator of how much you love drama. Non-dramatic people don’t feel the need to discuss all the drama they didn’t start and aren’t involved in.
5. “Follow your heart” is probably the worst advice ever.
6. Never let a man make you feel weak or inferior because you are an emotional being. Emotion is good; it is nothing to be ashamed of. Emotion makes us better – so long as it remains in it’s proper place: subject to truth and reason.
7. Smoking is not cool.
8. Stop saying things like, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.” First of all, that’s not true. And second of all, if it is true, you need a perspective shift. Your reputation matters – greatly. You should care what people think of you.
9. Don’t play coy or stupid or helpless to get attention. Don’t pretend something is too heavy so that a boy will carry it for you. Don’t play dumb to stroke someone’s ego. Don’t bat your eyelashes in exchange for attention and expect to be taken seriously, ever. You can’t have it both ways. Either you show the world that you have a brain and passions and skills, or you don’t. There are no damsels in distress managing corporations, running countries, or managing households. The minute you start batting eyelashes, eyelashes is all you’ve got.
10. You are beautiful. You are enough. The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough. You are not thin enough. You are not tan enough. You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky, blonde, hairless enough. Your teeth are not white enough. Your legs are not long enough. Your clothes are not stylish enough. You are not educated enough. You don’t have enough experience. You are not creative enough.
There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.
You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.
You were created for a purpose, exactly so. You have innate value. You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored. There has never been, and there will never be another you. Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world. They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.
You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough.
Ten Things I Want To Tell Teenage Girls
1. If you choose to wear shirts that show off your boobs, you will attract boys. To be more specific, you will attract the kind of boys that like to look down girls’ shirts. If you want to date a guy who likes to look at other girls’ boobs and chase skirts, then great job; keep it up. If you don’t want to date a guy who ogles at the breasts of other women, then maybe you should stop offering your own breasts up for the ogling. All attention is not equal. You think you want attention, but you don’t. You want respect. All attention is not equal.
2. Don’t go to the tanning bed. You’ll thank me when you go to your high school reunion and you look like you’ve been airbrushed and then photoshopped compared to the tanning bed train wrecks formerly known as classmates – well, at least next to the ones that haven’t died from skin cancer.
3. When you talk about your friends “anonymously” on Facebook, we know exactly who you’re talking about. People are smarter than you think they are. Stop posting passive-aggressive statuses about the myriad of ways your friends disappoint you.
4. Newsflash: the number of times you say “I hate drama” is a pretty good indicator of how much you love drama. Non-dramatic people don’t feel the need to discuss all the drama they didn’t start and aren’t involved in.
5. “Follow your heart” is probably the worst advice ever.
6. Never let a man make you feel weak or inferior because you are an emotional being. Emotion is good; it is nothing to be ashamed of. Emotion makes us better – so long as it remains in it’s proper place: subject to truth and reason.
7. Smoking is not cool.
8. Stop saying things like, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.” First of all, that’s not true. And second of all, if it is true, you need a perspective shift. Your reputation matters – greatly. You should care what people think of you.
9. Don’t play coy or stupid or helpless to get attention. Don’t pretend something is too heavy so that a boy will carry it for you. Don’t play dumb to stroke someone’s ego. Don’t bat your eyelashes in exchange for attention and expect to be taken seriously, ever. You can’t have it both ways. Either you show the world that you have a brain and passions and skills, or you don’t. There are no damsels in distress managing corporations, running countries, or managing households. The minute you start batting eyelashes, eyelashes is all you’ve got.
10. You are beautiful. You are enough. The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough. You are not thin enough. You are not tan enough. You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky, blonde, hairless enough. Your teeth are not white enough. Your legs are not long enough. Your clothes are not stylish enough. You are not educated enough. You don’t have enough experience. You are not creative enough.
There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.
You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.
You were created for a purpose, exactly so. You have innate value. You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored. There has never been, and there will never be another you. Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world. They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.
You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Happy Birthday, Sweetheart
Today should have been Steve's 46th birthday. For some reason, his birthday is right next to the anniversary of his death when it comes to tough anniversaries through the year.
Birthdays were always a big deal for us and it's so sad to me that while it's his birthday, there is no celebration, no party, no cake, no presents. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it but yesterday I found myself in a local drugstore over lunch and for some reason I found myself drawn to the card aisle. And then to the 'birthday' section. Then to the 'husband' section. I stood there for a minute thinking 'what in the fuck am I doing HERE???' Then I looked down, pulled out one of the cards, and it could not have said any more perfectly what I felt and feel. I bought it. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it -- but I bought my dead husband a birthday card.
I never thought I'd find a man
There have been a lot of struggles lately. I'm on the verge of cutting someone very toxic out of my life -- a family member who, if they weren't family, quite honestly would have been out of my life a long, long time ago. But I'm learning more and more that I can't reason with unreasonable -- and so much time and energy has been spent trying to fix a broken-beyond-repair relationship that I'm just numb.
I'm also dealing with the change in what used to be a very significant friendship in my life -- someone I thought I could count on in a variety of ways. But I learned that I couldn't count on them, and it's been a hard realization on a lot of different fronts. I'm trying hard to separate my feelings and not take things so personal -- but it is personal and it hurts, I'm sad and I'm disappointed. And I'm just not sure our friendship will ever be the same as it was before.
I also just realized I thought I was 44. I'm only 43 -- turning 44 in September. Good grief, I'm losing my friggin mind!
Birthdays were always a big deal for us and it's so sad to me that while it's his birthday, there is no celebration, no party, no cake, no presents. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it but yesterday I found myself in a local drugstore over lunch and for some reason I found myself drawn to the card aisle. And then to the 'birthday' section. Then to the 'husband' section. I stood there for a minute thinking 'what in the fuck am I doing HERE???' Then I looked down, pulled out one of the cards, and it could not have said any more perfectly what I felt and feel. I bought it. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it -- but I bought my dead husband a birthday card.
The Wonderful Man I Love
I never thought I'd find a man
with so much strength and feeling,
A man with such integrity and
goodness in his heart...
The more I know, the deeper
I appreciate and love him
As I'd cherish and enjoy
a rare and pricess work of art.
I realize he may not be
as perfect as I see him,
Yet in my eyes and in my heart,
there's no one else on earth
More genuine and precious
than my one and only love,
And there's no treasure anywhere
to equal what he's worth.
---
With you, I've found
the perfect partner,
the best friend,
and the sweetest love
anyone has ever known...
And I'm so grateful
life led me to you.
Happy Birthday
It's amazing to me how perfect that card would have been for him then -- and how perfect it is now. I was meant to find that card, I was meant to be reminded that while he's not here, his birthday -- today -- is a day to celebrate all that he was and all that he continues to be in my heart and in the hearts of anyone and everyone who had the pleasure of knowing him.
There have been a lot of struggles lately. I'm on the verge of cutting someone very toxic out of my life -- a family member who, if they weren't family, quite honestly would have been out of my life a long, long time ago. But I'm learning more and more that I can't reason with unreasonable -- and so much time and energy has been spent trying to fix a broken-beyond-repair relationship that I'm just numb.
I'm also dealing with the change in what used to be a very significant friendship in my life -- someone I thought I could count on in a variety of ways. But I learned that I couldn't count on them, and it's been a hard realization on a lot of different fronts. I'm trying hard to separate my feelings and not take things so personal -- but it is personal and it hurts, I'm sad and I'm disappointed. And I'm just not sure our friendship will ever be the same as it was before.
I also just realized I thought I was 44. I'm only 43 -- turning 44 in September. Good grief, I'm losing my friggin mind!
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