“Why? It’s not mine….”

“Why? It’s not mine….”


This is the response I got this morning when I checked Bear into the AM/PM program. There were some papers on the table, one got blown off, and I asked him to pick it up. “Why? It’s not mine.” I said “please pick it UP! I don’t care that it’s not yours – you’re standing there, pick it UP!” Then I got the growl… You know, where their face wrinkles up, his eyes become demonic and he gives you ‘the look’ that goes fittingly well with ‘the growl.’

In those moments, all of my sensibilities of positive parenting go out the window and all I want to do is tackle him to the ground and growl back.

Sometimes, I feel completely inept at single parenting. I KNOW he’s a good kid, with a good heart, but sometimes I feel like the naïve goodness is slipping away. I’m sure he’s just being a kid – and when I think back to what a turd I was as a kid, I’m pretty sure he’ll be okay but I hate that I feel like my sweet, innocent little boy is getting an edginess to him that I.just.do.not.like. How many times do I need to tell him that “poop” and “buttcrack” are not acceptable words? How many times do I need to tell him NOT to take his sand-filled shoes off in the middle of the living room, but to do it outside so the sand stays outside where it belongs? Why do I need to tell him EVERY morning to get the dog’s crate ready? I feel like I’m talking to a wall and I hate that I go from nice mom to royal bitch in 3.2 seconds, turning myself into a screaming maniac.

He deserves so much better. He deserves a Mom who is engaged with him much more than I am. He deserves a Mom who sits and plays games with him, who does crafts with him, who plays with him outside rather than just plopping him in front of the TV so I can get a few things done around the house. I should be doing my cleaning and laundry at night, after he’s in bed, so we can have our weekends for fun and adventure… But after being gone from 7am until 6pm – by 8:30 pm, I’m wiped out and the LAST thing I want to do is laundry or dishes or hosing off the patio set! He deserves to have a mom who not only makes up a chore chart (which I’ve done many times) but who STICKS TO IT! Both with making sure he does what he’s supposed to AND who rewards him appropriately, and on time, for doing a good job. He also deserves a mother who can be firmer with timeouts and appropriate boundaries, without resorting to spanking because he’s pushed me to my limit one too many times. He is the child – I am the adult – and when I snap like that, I’m certainly not being a good parent.

I feel like such a failure sometimes… I miss my husband beyond words and I know he’s not coming back. But sometimes I feel like I’m just going through the motions of mediocrity, just waiting for him to come back. Steve and I were a TEAM and we did everything as a team, including parenting. I hate that Bear’s life took such a detour the day his Dad died. I need to get it together but sometimes I just don’t even know where to start.