This journey of widowhood has changed me... In some ways, for the better. And in some ways, for the worse. It's certainly been eye opening in many respects and I'm a lot tougher and stronger than I ever thought I could be. My life is what it is -- but I find myself wondering what Steve would think about some of the changes and circumstances that have taken place over the last 2+ years.
I wonder if he would approve of the way I'm raising Bear? I think he would. I've gotten madder than I should have sometimes and I've been more emotional than I think he needs to see sometimes. Bear has seen and heard things that a young boy shouldn't. But he's a GOOD kid with a wonderful and giving heart and I know Steve would be proud of him, especially with how he's handled himself since Steve died. I hope my bad parenting, especially in the early days, hasn't harmed him for life. He'd be supportive of my always positive attempts to be a good Mom, even when I fall on my face.
Steve would be proud of how I fought for Bear to get into 1st grade and he'd be proud of how smart he is -- he's reading more and more and he rocks at math! I think Steve would think going to church was a good idea, even though if he were here, he would have fought it like the dickens. But I think he'd respect that Bear has a profound faith in God and that that should be nurtured and encouraged. He'd also laugh -- how did this God-believing child come from US?!
He'd laugh at the fact that I can never keep up with the laundry. And he's freak out if he could see the cars! I've never been able to keep a clean car and there was a reason why they were under his domain...
I think he'd laugh at my attempt to catalog his baseball stuff, especially when I posted a picture of a ball player on an online board, asking "who is this" only to find out it's Minnie Minoso, one of the greatest players of all time. It was his hobby, not mine, but I must admit that I find it all rather fascinating. I wish he were here to help me -- and I wish I'd helped him with it more when he was alive.
I think he would be disappointed in some of his friends and family, especially those who promised to be there who have never even called past that first week. Thankfully, those are few and far between.... He'd be proud of the rest of our friends and family who have stepped up to the plate greater than either of us probably thought possible.
I know he would be very hurt and disappointed in his mother and sister for not attending his service or ever checking on Bear. And he'd be downright angry over how his sister has handled their mother's probate and estate. He would have agreed with the content of the final letter I sent to his sister. He would have cringed -- but after all that has happened, he would have hit the 'send' key himself.
I think he would be humbled by the Turner Fund and all that's been done, in his name and in his honor, with Stepping Stones of Hope. He's say "here you go with your projects. And he would also be grateful that I found such a group for Bear to help him through something no child should endure. Ever.
He'd like how our already existing friendships have grown and blossomed and deepened. And he'd be happy to see the new friendships that have been made.
He'd nag me about getting sick so much, that I was burning the candle at both ends, and remind me that I need to take better care of myself. But he'd do it in a loving way...
I think he'd be relieved that he never had to attack the large, packed storage room on the front of the house. Some people call it a garage. He'd love what I've done with the backyard with the grass, curbing and landscaping, although I think he'd say there is too much pink & purple. He'd agree that looking into the pool was a great idea, but he'd support me in not spending the money because we need to think of our future.
He'd give me two thumbs up for not only buying the camper -- but getting it hitched up, hauling it up the hill, setting it up, camping, putting it all back together, hauling it back down the hill and parking that sucker STRAIGHT!
He'd laugh his ass off about Yogi. He'd also say "what in the hell were you thinking?!?!" Then he'd see Bear with Yogi and agree that it was probably one of the best moves ever.
He'd love me as much today as he did the day he died. This I know is true. And he'd be proud of how we've survived the last 2 years, 2 months and 1 day. But who's counting...
I think he'd encourage me to think about dating but would also understand when I said "not yet..."
And he'd smile at the clock... We have a clock in our bathroom -- the batteries died before he passed away -- and it moves whenever I'm missing him the most. This year, it's moved on his birthday and his anniversary in August (it advanced 7 hours...)
No comments:
Post a Comment