Parenting...

I think I was a much better parent when I was part of a team... Steve and I parented as a duo -- we reinforced each other and backed each other up.

Sometimes, I feel like the worst mom. When I'm really down in the dumps, I go back to that feeling that the wrong parent died -- if he were here, he'd be more patient and more disciplined. Then I remember how it truly was -- and know that's not the case. For as much as I loved my husband -- we both knew patience occasionally eluded him. I remember calling his mother once -- Steve was working himself into quite a tizzy over Bear crashing his cars off of the table onto the floor. I thought it was pretty normal 2 1/2 year old behavior but Steve knew he was destined to be a delinquent if this behavior continued. I called his mother that night, asking her to remind Steve what HE was like at that age. We would later laugh about that conversation, especially that I would actually call his mother!

I have no patience at times -- especially in times when I need it the most! When I look at Bear, I know I must not be that bad because he's a responsible, respectful, loving and giving boy. I also need to remind myself he's 6 1/2 and he's supposed to be a turd once in awhile!

When Steve first died, and I'd have this internal dialogue with myself, I'd credit Bear's good behavior with Steve's parenting... But I must admit -- I've been doing this for 2+ years on my own and I guess I need to take some credit for him being a good kid. I can take him into a nice restaurant and not worry about him running around like a hoodlum and one of "those kids". I can take him out with primarily adults and know he'll be okay. I've taken him to the funeral of a co-worker and he was extremely well behaved. But is that my parenting or is that his nature? I suppose time will tell.

When it came to parenting, Steve was always worried about turning into his father. His dad was a bully and an overall jackass -- no two ways about it. Steve was NOTHING like his Dad, thank God. He was such a good man and a good dad. I'm pretty confident those words were never used to describe his father. I want Bear to know how wonderful his Dad was, how much he loved him, how much he would have done anything for him.

Damn, I miss that man!