December 2009

It just occurred to me that even though I have the Christmas tree up.......lights on the mantle......garland running up the stairs.......inflatable crap outside......even though I have all of these things, it just doesn't *feel* like Christsmas.  I'm starting to wonder if it will ever feel like Christmas again. 

This is the third Christmas since Steve died.  My heart physically aches for him to be here -- to celebrate with us -- to be part of the magical season that should be Christmas.  He was as much a kid on Christmas morning as Bear was and I truly enjoyed the season and making it special and magical for both of them.  I think Bear feels the joy -- I hope he does -- I'm working really hard at faking it.  Really hard.

There are some differences with Steve gone...  As I type this, I'm listening to Andrea Bocelli's holiday album -- right now, it's "What Child Is This" with Mary J. Blige.  Absolutely gorgeous but if Steve were here, he would have lasted about 30 seconds with the song :)  He was more of the "Redneck Christmas CD" type, LOL.  We used to alternate gift opening to go between how he was raised (opening presents Christmas morning) and how I was raised (opening them Christmas Eve with the Santa (big) gift being a surprise the next morning).  Since he died, we open them on Christmas Eve with the Santa gift the next morning -- but I miss the playful banter about who's tradition would run this particular year...

Christmas Eve is a mere 4 days away and I've hardly wrapped anything.  I'm just not in the mood and certainly don't have the spirit this year.  I think this is the hardest since Steve died  because the reality of -- this is it -- is like a brick upside my head.

I'm also sick with strep -- again -- and seriously looking at having them removed in the next few months.  Mom can come and stay with me for a bit in April or May so I'll talk with the doctor and see what my options are.  I'm absolutely terrified -- I've had surgery before but never as a single mother who would leave my child orphaned if something happened to me.  I'm really scared.

It's hard to think ahead to 2010 without Steve.  So many milestones next year -- by year's end, I will have an 8 year old second grader (I will!!), I will be 42 and Steve would have been -- should have been -- 44.  I would have celebrated 12 years of meeting the most amazing man and we would have celebrated 10 years of marriage. 

I want to get my health under control next year -- starting January 1 -- I'm on a new path of exercise, eating right and making sure I live along life to meet Bear's grandkids.  By year's end, I want to have lost 100 lbs.  I want to be able to park at least one vehicle in the garage and I want my office to be a much improved space in which to work and create in and I want Steve's former baseball room to be something that Bear and I need it to be -- I'm just not sure what that is yet.  And maybe, in the middle of it all, I can find a place where I can find a little happiness for me...