On my widow's board, there are references to the 'grief monster.' I've been visited by the grief monster many times in the last 2 years and don't remember the grief monster bringing such anger with it like it has the last few weeks...
Some think that the cycles of grief come in order -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Before Steve died, I thought that was how it worked. I'm here to tell you, and most widows and widowers would seemingly agree, that you can hit all 5 stages in the matter of about 42 seconds -- even 2 years out from losing the love of your life.
I'm 6 days away from the 2 year mark, and the last few weeks have been particularly hard. I thought I was stuck in the depression stage until the anger phase hit -- like a tornado. That swirly feeling in my stomach and just being angry with the world has left me feeling rather weak and unsure. But there's an upside -- this week, I've tackled the school board and was successful in getting Bear to first grade (you can't even imagine how difficult this was -- good grief). I've been successful in writing off my former sister-in-law -- Steve would be proud (and jealous -- he wanted to do this years ago!) She wanted nothing to do with us when Steve was alive, and it's even clearer now that Steve's gone -- I don't need that in my life, or Bear's life. All done. And I dealt with a rather sensitive issue at work, that's causing me a bit of angst this morning because I'm not sure of the outcome yet -- but I know in my heart of hearts that the right thing was done and, at the end of the day, that's really all that matters. Always go with the path of integrity -- it'll lead you down the right path.
I'm very proud of where I am today. It's been the most horrible 2 years I ever could have imagined for myself or for Bear. I can't imagine losing my father at 4 1/2 and while we talk about him all the time and he misses him horribly, he knows his Dad is watching him wherever he is and that he's flying around with beautiful white wings. I expect a lot of him, as would Steve and I will never allow him to use "my Dad died when I was 4 1/2" as an excuse for being "less than" in any area of his life. Yes, he died. Yes, it was tragic. Yes, it was unfair. Yes, it happened. Yes, we will move on. Yes, we will have a good life. Yes, we will be happy. Yes, we will honor him, always.
Those first few weeks and months were horrible. The fog didn't lift until about the first 6-8 months. I thought I'd die in the beginning. Truth is, I wanted to die. We were 2 weeks away from taking our first family vacation in Arizona -- and I wished -- and prayed -- that we would have been on that trip when "it" happened. We could have all gone together. I'm grateful now that that didn't happen. But it took a long time to get here.
Steve was the most amazing man -- my best friend. We had a good marriage -- not perfect, but pure and good and real. I hope that someday, I can find another best friend like him but I'm not going to hold my breath. I was so lucky the first time; I don't know how I could possibly find someone another time around. Bear would like me to -- in fact, he's told me that it's okay -- but "Mom, they need to be able to wrestle." Man, I sure miss wrestling :)
In the past 2 years, I've enrolled Bear in T-ball, changed jobs, bought a camper (hitch it up and went camping too!), got Bear through his first year of school (the skin of our damn teeth), went to San Diego, Oregon and Stockton. I took Bear on his first airplane ride -- and his second, and third. We've lost two cats and gained a puppy. (Unfair trade, by the way -- he poops a LOT more than the cats!) I've also learned that I have some amazing and wonderful friends who have stuck by me -- truly, through the worst part of my life.
It's hard to believe Steve's been gone 2 years. I miss everything about him -- yes, even yelling "if you're going to pass gas, GO OUTSIDE!!!" And I'd give anything to pick up the random pair of undies or socks from the bedroom floor, grumbling while I dropped them in the hamper. I'd give anything for that. I miss him so much.
But Bear and I are good. We're happy. We're finding joy again. We're finding silliness again. We're saving up for a swimming pool which is something Steve always wanted for Bear -- hope to break ground next spring. We're making plans for the future -- some that Steve and I talked about and some things that are new. It's hard letting go of the past in order to embrace the future -- but I'm still here and I still need to live my life. Steve would want that for me -- and, if he had been the one still here, I would have wanted it for him.
I never thought I'd make it through the first second, minute or hour. Then I made it through a day. Then two. Then a week. Then a month. Then a year. And now -- almost 2 years.
Wow.
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