Today, I'm about to do something that for three years I swore I wouldn't do. Steve was quite the baseball memorabilia collector and I swore I'd never let one piece of his 'stuff' go -- it was ALL meant for Bear. Well, fast forward 3 years and consider my brain is coming back, little by little, and I've decided that it's time to start letting *some* of it go. Most will remain for Bear -- but it's time to let the other stuff go.
One of Steve's passions was the HUNT of memorabilia collecting. He would hear that someone was coming to town or doing a signing (anywhere in the US - he had no boundaries!). He'd start to research just the right photograph with the right memory and right moment in baseball history to have signed... I often wished he'd put that much research and planning into my birthday and would give him a hard time about me taking second to baseball. While it felt that way sometimes, I know that wasn't the case. But he did love his baseball.
He had a favorite store in town and after he died, I went and paid off his final layaway -- 'cuts' of signatures of people I can't remember now. The owner was shocked that Steve had died and as I stood there and cried, he carefully packaged up what would be Steve's last purchases.
Last week, when I decided "it's time" I called him and he was very gracious. He remembered me (I've been in there a few times since Steve died) and was very sympathetic to my situation. Today, I'm taking a laundry basket full of goodies to meet with him. Yes -- a laundry basket. Wouldn't Steve be HORRIFIED?!! I'm finding a lot of humor in it actually :) Bright blue even!
He's going to help me decide what should be held for Bear, what can be sold, what he is interested in purchasing, what I should run through their store auctions (which Steve LOVED participating in) or what to sell on eBay. Steve trusted very few in the baseball memorabilia world, especially after being screwed so royally by Bernie's Sportscards in San Diego years ago (he's long been out of business, but I'm happy to still throw his name out there as a fraud). But the guy I'm meeting today, Steve trusted and since all baseball players look the same to me, I'm going to have to trust this guy today too.
I don't see this as moving forward -- I see this as moving through. I think to 'move forward' implies, at least to me, that I'm moving on. And I'm not -- my heart still belongs to Steve and I still grieve the loss of what we had and what we should still have. But I'm moving through my grief -- slowly through the fog, trying to find my footing again. And today is a huge step in that.
1 comment:
I don't know how I missed this when you posted it. But I guess a response a week later is better than none at all.
It is so HARD to let go of the things our husbands treasured. I send you big hugs (and congratulations ??? is that right for the sale of some items already). I'm glad you knew you didn't have to part with everything immediately. I'm glad you know that now that you are ready to part with some of it, you don't have to part with everything.
I never say I am moving on, btw, or moving forward, because to me that implies leaving Nick behind. And my love for him will never be behind me. I picture a moving truck pulling away from a house, with a big box marked "NICK" left behind on the curb. Not gonna happen.
Life goes on, but I, too, am moving through this grief morass. Parts of it cling to me always, parts of it drift away.
Sigh. Big hugs to you, my dear. I hope we can see each other soon.
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