14 months

Tomorrow will mark 14 months since Steve died.

I just let out a huge sigh on that one...

As the holidays approach, I find myself really missing Steve. I miss "him" -- his smell, his presence, his humor, his wit, his laugh, his strength, his love. Bear has grown so much -- he was 4 1/2 when Steve died. He will turn 6 in just over a month. He's grown up and matured so much -- some, just by virtue of growing up and maturing. Some of the maturity has come from necessity. I simply can't imagine what it would be like to lose your father at 4 years old. I see his loss -- it's profound -- but what must it FEEL like? And how will it feel at 6? 8? 10? 15? 18? I find myself worrying about him in the future, without a male role model to help shape and mold him. My initial concern when Steve died was "will I be enough?" That feeling subsided and I feel like I am enough. But lately, as he grows and matures, I find myself revisiting -- will I be enough? I just don't know.

We're going to my Mom's for Thanksgiving which I'm looking forward to. Last year, it was just Bear and I and a box of Kleenex. I was just numb. This year will be fun. I'm dreading Christmas -- but we'll get through it. I don't know how yet, but we will. Just want to get to January 1, 2009. I'm anxious to see what the new year holds for Bear and I.